Thursday, February 4, 2010

MARRIAGE and the 3D's - Deceit, Desperation and Denial

I will begin with a question. How STUPID can you be to think that YOUR DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP was going to improve by getting married? Now you go from one STUPID act which was REMAIN in that dysfunctional, non-marital relationship, to the second STUPID act which was GET MARRIED to the third and most ULTIMATE STUPID act which is plan to or actually have a child or children in what is NOW a DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE thinking that will make the marriage better.

I am going to comment on a subject that many of you WILL NOT like. Why? Because it RUINS the fun and fantasy that exist during the whole engagement process and WEDDING ceremony. It simply exposes the 3D's that I have stated in the subject. This could "possibly" apply to monogamous, non-marital relationships as well but the reason why I chose marriage is because those vows are OPENLY and VAGUELY stated during the ceremony and MOST of the time THEY ARE NOT adhered to. If they weren't stated and simply ASSumed, I would have nothing to say because there is NO VIOLATION where there is NO CLEARLY DETAILED verbal or written agreement. ASSumptions in a relationship DO NOT constitute an agreement and therefore a VIOLATION of that relationship cannot exist.

Here is a MODIFIED example of a traditional vow that would reflect the REALITY of many marriages:

"I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my lawfully wedded (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or maybe for worse, definitely for richer but I'm not sure for poorer, in sickness if I can tolerate you and in health, to love and to cherish you as long as I have it my way most of the time or until someone else comes along that I feel is better, to love and cherish you and whomever else I can while making my best attempt to keep it away from you, to lie or give you what you want to keep you happy and shut you up regardless of the stress to me, to be deceitful when I feel it necessary in order to continually support your state of denial; from this day forward until death or divorce do us part".

Am I anti-marriage? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I am anti-3D's when it comes to marriage and believe that NO ONE should enter marriage until they are READY and WILLING to comply and conform to vows they CLEARLY (not vaguely) state. It does not matter if it's an OPEN or MONOGAMOUS marriage which both do exist. What matter the most to me is HONESTY. If not, change those vows to reflect what your BEHAVIOR will actually be thusly ELIMINATING the 3D's or just DON'T GET MARRIED. Will they do that? Hell nah because it's easier to lie, be deceitful or accept lies and deceit rather than accept TRUTH and not have that person they desire.

I also love it when they bring GOD into the ceremony KNOWING DAMN WELL they won't conform to those vows (lol). Oh yea, I forgot about the ole "my flesh is weak" excuse when it comes to outside sexual encounters. I guess that's what RELIGION is all about huh? Lying NOW and simply asking for forgiveness LATER, right? (lol).

I consider wedding ceremonies and wedding vows, FOR MOST, to be for "Entertainment Purposes ONLY" based upon OBSERVED and STATED BEHAVIOR of most marriages as well as the HIGH DIVORCE RATE and therefore "For Entertainment Purposes ONLY" should be stated on the wedding invitations and posted at the wedding location just as they do on those psychic infomercials.

FINAL COMMENT: I've heard some say that "a marriage (referring to their marriage) is hard to maintain". My response to those of you that say that is, "It's not YOUR marriage that is hard to maintain, it's those 3D's that's the foundation of YOUR marriage that makes it hard to maintain because YOU SELFISHLY wanted, tricked, trapped or pressured him/her and now YOU are paying the price".


  1. I have to agree with you on the 3D's! well put!

  2. I have to confess that when I read the first four lines I thought you were maybe one of those angry, divorced men that had issues with women and the institution of marriage. Fortunately, for me, I did not stop there and close the page. I decided to read further thinking let me see whatelse this idiot has to say. To my surprise, that which you have stated makes a lot of sense to me.

    I have a lot of female friends and they do a lot of complaining about their relatioships and marriages. You are so right when you mentioned tricking, trapping or pressuring someone into a relationship because that is exactly what all of them did. They either intentionally got pregnant or threatened to end the relationship if their man did not propose to them.

    I totally agree with you J. Duval. You sound like a very wise and experienced person. I will definitely read some of your other blogs, add myself as a follower and tell those complaining girlfriends of mine to read this blog. Keep up the good work

  3. Mrs. Happily MarriedFebruary 4, 2010 at 8:32 PM

    Mr. Duval I totally disagree with Erika. I think you are an idiot and not a man of God because God ordained marriage. Who are you to say what the vows are and how most marriages are conducted? All marriages will have problems because people have their own identities and are different. That difference causes problem but make the marriage better as time goes on. Marriages have to be tested and sometimes in the worse manner to see if the love between the two people will be greater than the problems. God places challenges at our feet and some of those challenges are in marriages to test them and make them stronger. If they don't last it's because God has decided that it won't last and not you Mr. Know It All.

    You are probably one of those many weak men out there that could not satisfy and keep a real woman happy so she left you for a real man and now you are bitter. I feel sorry for you.

  4. lhstreeter@gmail.comFebruary 6, 2010 at 1:55 PM

    Mrs. Happily married

    My hats off to you and others with much praise, who take their wedding vows seriously. Unfortunately, according to statistics 50% of all marriages end in divorce; this suggests trials, but more importantly I think it reflect those 3D's. Often times people get married for the wrong reason--intentional deception to get what they want; denial of their own issues that negatively impacts their abilities to maintain healthy relationships; and yes, out of sheer desperation!!

    As a marriage and family therapist, my premarital training address these issues becasue I recognize we have some serious problems where covenant relationships are concerned. The program is designed to help individuals/couples with self-discovery and motivation for marriage at that particular point in their life and the particular person chosen.

    Infidelity happens in and out of the church. Is it the devil trying ones married or is it a lack of self-control, true love, honesty and commitment? The church definitely has some tough issues to face, accept, and to design solutions that it can be an example unto the world; as a pose to constantly going through and being tried. Yes, there are situations in life designed to make us; however, can't two Christians allow tests outside the household to test the strength of their marriage, instead of infidelity, and stand together as a team?

    So, as cynical as it may sound; there is truth to this post. As Christians, we can't get mad, we need to do something about it. For all the couples with loving, lasting, pure and healthy relationships--lend a hand to your fellow brothers and sisters!


  5. Thank you Linda for taking the time to comment. I consider what I am doing is "lending a hand" as you have stated. The problem is that MOST don't want my hand because it exposes that SELFISH, IRRESPONSIBLE, INAPPROPRIATE or LAZY side of themselves they don't want to see or do anything about.

    My blogs speak to the REALITY, SCANDALOUSNESS and DYSFUNCTIONALITY of relationships in general and how we relate to each other as opposed to the FANTASY one would like it to be. I don't need to talk about the GOOD because it NATURALLY will take care of itself. If one is doing GOOD, there's no need to be concerned, defensive or stressed.

    I am not one to sit and hope for things to get better because A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE of people will ALWAYS continue to knowingly make SELFISH choices that will NEGATIVELY impact others as well as eventually impact many of them that make those choices. It is what it is.

    My platform is (without going into detail):

    - Reality and not fantasy at someone else's expense,
    - Playing DISHONEST games with people's lives will EVENTUALLY produce a winner and a loser,
    - You enjoyed the pleasure so you suffer the pain (if any),
    - Personal responsibility and accountability,
    - Blame yourself for your selfish choices that damaged your life,
    - You broke it so you fix it.

    If my blogs simply provoke one to THINK as oppose to run away then I have done a good thing because it may just influence a few to make a POSITIVE CHANGE.

  6. This is so true. I tried to get my ex-wife to have a simple wedding ceremony so that we would not do like so many others and spend a lot of money unnecessarily. Unfortunately, I gave in to her selfish desires for a big wedding and the marriage did not even last long enough to pay the cost of the wedding. Do you want to guess who got stuck with the bill? Yea, me. Within, 6 months after our divorce she was engaged to someone else.

    After reading some of your other blogs and listening to your radio interview I stopped hating her and began examining my own behavior that got me to that bad marriage. I should have never gotten married to her to begin with. We had problems before the marriage and I thought that marriage would make her happy and make the problems go away. I was wrong and it was because of the way I was made to think.

    I believed that the man was supposed to be there to help a woman with her problems. Be there to relieve her of her pains and frustrations. To do whatever it takes and sacrifice whatever is necessary to make her happy. Again, I was wrong and from this point on I am going to start taking some of your advice and do what's best for me and leave those problem women to their problems.

    I believe that you are doing a good deed informing men and the women who are unselfish and considerate enough to listen. Keep up the good work.