Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Marriage, Marriage Vows and Marriage Behavior

This blog IS NOT a reflection of ALL marriages but many of you out there CERTAINLY know this reflects YOUR MARRIAGE or what your situation may be even BEFORE you get married. This is not directed at anyone in particular. It's aimed at a behavior that should be seriously examined in order to improve the chances of having successful and mutually productive marriages and drastically reduce the high number of domestic violence and divorce cases. A vast MAJORITY of marriages today are performed out of PRESSURE (to get married and usually it's the female that gives the ultimatum "marry me or it's over"), FINANCIAL (lifestyle upgrade) or STUPIDITY (I'm gonna marry you before someone else marries you).

Let me open by saying, "Marriages ARE NOT difficult for MATURE people who have waited and properly prepared themselves regardless of what people say" or "NOT difficult for MATURE people who realize the other person is not behaving in a manner that's conducive to the positive growth of a marriage and decides to leave as opposed to trying to make that square peg fit into that round hole". It's LIVING IN DENIAL about YOUR CHOICE in a mate and trying to MAKE it work with someone that DON'T RESPECT YOU or DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU or DON'T BEHAVE IN A MANNER THAT PLEASES YOU that is difficult". Now that I've probably pissed a few of you off let's get started so I can piss off more of you (lol).

I've decided to ADDRESS A BEHAVIOR that the majority of people choose to avoid talking about. MARRIAGE can be a wonderful, fulfilling and productive relationship provided ALL parties involved are matured and mentally prepared to accept and participate in its responsibilities. This is NOT condemning marriage regardless of how frustrating it is for some or how temporary it lasts for many because the institution of marriage is not going away. I want to address the VAGUE vows and HYPOCRITICAL behavior during that period that exist in MANY (not all) marriages.

I am going to PURPOSELY attempt to open those EMOTIONAL ARTERIES and allow the reality of many marriages to BLEED UNCONTROLLABLY. Why am I doing this you ask? Well, I love to perform relationship ENEMAS whenever possible by injecting REALITY into them, based upon those vows, in an attempt to EXPOSE and REMOVE the denial, pain, confusion, anger, violence, nonsense, lack of love and hate that exists in many relationships. I simply decided to shine the light on the reality of many marriage relationships. After you read this blog, it should leave you with one of six options:

1. Continue that relationship living in denial about the hypocrisy of it,

2. Continue that relationship mutually agreeing to accept the hypocrisy of it,

3. Continue that relationship re-establishing clear codes of conduct for each individual,

4. Dissolve that relationship and get into a similar type relationship with another individual,

5. Dissolve that relationship and get into a similar type relationship with multiple individuals,

6. Dissolve that relationship and establish clear codes of conduct before getting into another relationship.

On several occasions I have provided definitions of certain terms prior to getting into a discussion. In my opinion definitions produces what I call the 3Es which is 1) Establishes Clarity, 2) Eliminates Confusion and 3) Exposes Corruption. With that said, let me start with the definitions:

1. Marriage - The legal union of two individuals usually entailing legal obligations of each person to the other.

2. Marriage Vows - Promises each partner make to each other during a wedding ceremony.

3. Marriage Behavior - The manner in which an individual or individuals function or operates during a marriage.

4. Relationship Enema - The process of injecting reality into the relationship in an attempt to expose the hypocrisy or denial and providing one or both individuals an opportunity to cleanse the relationship by eliminating the hypocrisy or denial that exists or accept it for what it is and not blame the other for its consequences.

5. Hypocrisy - The practice of professing beliefs, feelings or virtues that is not reflected in one's behavior.

6. Denial - The refusal to believe or accept something that obviously exists.

Here are my questions for YOU to ponder (if you wish) regarding marriage:

1. Who determined what the behavior of marriage is supposed to be?

2. Examine for yourself exactly what those behaviors are and see if YOU will comply with them.

3. Is that described behavior clearly outlined or vaguely described as a means of providing escape clauses to justify one's non-intended, non-compliant behavior?

4. Why are the vast majority of marriage vows so vague and left for interpretation by each individual?

5. Why isn't marriage vows more specific and clearly outlined since they are broadcasting them to GOD and those attending the ceremony?

6. Why isn't divorce stated in the public marriage vows as consequences for NOT adhering to these vows made before family, friends and GOD. Let me repeat, "Before GOD". (i.e., Minister will typically state, "We are here today – before God – because marriage is one of His most sacred wishes..."). So do you have a personal relationship with GOD? Does that include intentional lying and simply asking for forgiveness later? Is that how YOUR religion works?

5. Why are marriage vows stated if they are not going to be adhered to? (i.e., Will you love him/her, comfort him/her, honor and keep him/her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon him/her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him/her as long as you both shall live?) . If you truly mean for ALL worse conditions then you need to remain in that marriage regardless. If you don't intend to remain in a marriage for SPECIFIC worse conditions then I suggest you don't say for worse UNLESS you clarify what those for worse conditions are that ARE NOT acceptable that you will announce to GOD and the witnesses at the ceremony WILL result in a DIVORCE.

6. Why do some people get married knowing he/she won't function in the best interest of that marriage?


Marriage for many is simply a means-to-an-end and has NOTHING to do with honesty, integrity and/or MONOGAMY. That means-to-an-end depends on the intent of the individual or individuals. Some of those means are (but not limited to):

1. Financial security from someone else or the intent of such,

2. Desire to leave home due to pressures of imposed responsibility,

3. Lifestyle upgrade due to their own inability to produce it for themselves,

4. Desire to have someone at home while they seek other sexual partners outside of the home,

5. Social, family or religious pressure due to irresponsible sexual behavior that produced pregnancy,

6. Social, family or religious programming that requires YOU to get married and reproduce to help replenish the earth,

7. Psychological belief that you have to marry and have children in order to have them care for you when you get elderly (NOTE: Take a close look at the elderly (and especially at these care facilities) and you will see the many of them don't have children that truly care for them or communicate with them on a regular basis. It's sad but it's the truth).

At least one (if not both) individuals in MANY marriages KNOWS that the other is not complying or going to comply with those VAGUELY STATED marriage vows but they PLAY THE WEDDING GAME and go through the process anyway. The vagueness of the wedding vows assist in perpetuating the childhood FANTASY of that wonderful wedding ceremony for the female because no one wants to RUIN that fantasy for her with clear and specific vows that PUBLICLY obligates both of them.

Am I knocking marriage? Absolutely not. I am simply exposing the HYPOCRISY of marriage BEHAVIOR based upon the traditional and VAGUE vows stated, the OBVIOUS DENIAL about that behavior and the ever increasing number of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and DIVORCES that are occurring as a result of that behavior. Will my exposing of this cause most people to change? Of course not. Will the number of domestic violence cases and divorces remain the majority? I think so and I believe the domestic violence will get worse AS LONG AS there are pressures to marry too early, as long as those VAGUE marriage vows continue to be allowed and the HYPOCRITICAL behavior exists after those vows have been stated.

I am simply stating, as I indicated in the beginning, an observation that MOST choose to avoid talking openly and honestly about.


Get an education, become employed, develop individual responsibilities, live by yourself for a while, align yourself with other responsible people, RESPONSIBLE sexual behavior, accepting the negative consequences of your choices and blame no one else, enjoy the pleasures of dating different people and NOT becoming a sperm donor or incubator, open and direct communication, develop some sort of career, if looking for monogamous relationship date exclusively AFTER you've dated different people then decide IF you want to pursue marriage and family.


The majority behavioral standards of (pick a few): Immaturity, unreasonable expectations, entitlement (what's yours is mine if you want me) attitude, mind games, stress, align yourself with other irresponsible people, IRRESPONSIBLE sexual behavior, blaming the negative consequences of your choices on someone else, planned (scandalous) pregnancy, UNWANTED child births, evading child support, never leaving home, living off others, financial irresponsibility, domestic violence and a few deaths due to it. This is probably easier for most people to accept than to accept that ODD behavior above.


MARRIAGE VOWS need to be re-evaluated, re-written and stated in the ceremony based upon what one WILL DO and not stated based upon what one HOPE they or the other individual will do. If one or both cannot conform to those old traditional, VAGUE and ASSumed vows then here are 3 options:

1. DON’T get married.

2. Each one state their vows based upon what they WILL do and DO IT on a consistent basis.

3. Change your vows to be short and to the point so no one will be lying to God or the witnesses, “(Man) I take thee to be my wife”, “(Woman) I take thee to be my husband”, “(Clergy) By the power invested in me I now pronounce you Husband and Wife”.

Based upon option 3, there is NO cheating or violating the marriage because there are NO clear standards of behavior that was stated for that marriage. These are the vows that should be stated based upon the behavior oF MOST marriages today.

NEVER marry someone to make THEM happy. If they don't come to you already happy then they WILL burden you with their sadness, laziness and lack of initiative to make themselves happy. If you FOOLISHLY do so, you will eventually find out that you will NEVER be TRULY at that happy state that you were before the marriage until AFTER the divorce.

MARRIAGE should not be treated like a toy that you purchase, play with and then toss in the closet once you become bored with it and search for another toy (marriage) to play with. That is the mentality of a child (with a toy) and immature adult (with a marriage). You SHOULD NOT enter a marriage situation if YOU are not already happy and content with YOU. Marriage DOES NOT guarantee anyone happiness. Marriage gives you an opportunity to enhance the happiness and contentment that you should already have before you enter into a marriage.

NO ONE CAN force you to marry, force you to agree to those vague vows or force you to behave in a manner not consistent with your vows. ALL OF THOSE ACTIONS ARE WILLINGLY PERFORMED BY YOU for your own personal reasons regardless of the excuses you may give others for doing so.

If you don't like or are having problems with the relationship you are in then FIX IT or GET OUT OF IT before you make another BAD relationship decision by getting married. Getting married DOES NOT fix pre-marital problems. It simply prepares a foundation for eventual DIVORCE. If you have problems prior to marriage and FOOLISHLY choose to proceed into a marriage then SHUT UP and accept the difficulties as they come. Just be patient because I promise you they will definitely come. It's just that simple.


  1. This is incredible. Mr. Duval where were you 2 years ago when I got married. I read some of your other blogs and I can see why some don't like you. As you have stated, they don't want to handle the truth about their situation. If I had seen this blog I would have surely given second thought to rushing into marriage and probably would not have gotten married. By the way, I am now divorce and in court fighting for custody of our child and the bill still has not been completely paid for the huge wedding and cruise expenses. I will surely pass this blog on to my single friends that are considering marriage. Thanks for the information.

  2. J this is great advice... they naysayers should be referred to divorce rate statistics. Relationships, marriage or otherwise are indeed not designed to bring happiness... happiness must be brought into them by both parties and the synergy created by the combined happiness is what the real "fairytale" of marriage is all about. It's like they say at those exotic couples retreat desination where estranged couples go to recapture their past love..."if they didn't bring it here with them on the plane, they won't find it here"

  3. I was told by a girlfriend of mine that you hate all women and you express your hatred through your blogs. I have read this blog and some of your other blogs and I see nothing indicating that you hate all women. I do see that you have a fond dislike for certain types of behavior from women and to me that is simply a personal choice. I am divorced and I can honestly admit that I made a poor choice in a husband. I can also say, since I am anonymous, that I knew before I got married that he was not for me and I felt that his behavior would change after we married which it didn't. We were married for 18 months divorced afterwards. After reading this blog and others, I can honestly say that I have to stop blaming him for the divorce and look at myself and the choice that I made. I am now dating one of those guys you say we pass over trying to get to the one we should not want and surprisingly I am now a very happy and loving woman. I will definitely share your blog site with my other friends. Keep up the good work Mr. Duval.

  4. So you think that you are a marriage counselor. This advice you are giving people is stupid in my opinion. It sounds like you have been hurt pretty badly and you have serious issue when it comes marriage. Are you divorce or single and miserable? People don't need instructions for marriage. They simply need to pray and leave the marriage in the hands of God because though him all things are possible. It sounds like you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus or you would not be writing any of these things you have written. I will pray for your sins and salvation.

  5. Mrs Jamison thanks for taking the time to comment. First let me say I am not a marriage counselor or marriage expert. I am a "How To Not Waste Your Time and Money By Making Foolish Emotional Decisions In An Attempt To Help Or Make Someone Else Happy" counselor because I've been there and done it. Fortunately, for me, I did not go down in flames like so many others and just experienced 1st degree burns (lol).

    I would really like clarity on exactly what I placed here that is stupid so that I can intelligently respond or apologize PUBLICALLY for displaying such stupidity.

  6. Wow... My divorce was just finailzed last month and I have to say I was one of those men that married thinking I was going to make the relationship better. It did not get better, it got worse. Interestingly enough, she was the one that cheated with an old boyfriend and when she got caught claimed that she could not get him out of her life. We dated for a year before getting married and I was so caught up in pleasing her that I did not realize initially that I was making myself miserable in doing so. I was always told that no sacrifice is too great to please a woman. Well, I fell for that one but fortunately there aren't any children or alimony so I can freely move on without complications, emotional or financial ties. I have many male friends that complain about their relationships and I will certainly refer them to this one and others before they make the mistake that I did. God bless you and your messages.

  7. I don't know what these women are doing to these guys. First women and men need to do one very important thing. Stop making the past your future. Learn to be honest. Stop lying to your mate. If she cheated on him, what should have happened was THE TALK. Tell him your not feeling the relationship. How can you have 2 at once unless all parties agree.

    Lying, greed, and low morals are turning our relationships upside down. One of the worse things you can do to another human being is give him/her a false sense of happiness, of being content with another. It's like walking on a cliff and the person you trust pushes you over the side. So technically it's like a mental/spiritual murder that the other commits. What you have to do is be smart, careful and watch out for signs. But don't have bitter/hate in the mix because it will become your future, who wants that to be there all the time?

    When my guy comes home (not everyday but 2 or 3 times a week) he walks in and says "man I am glad to be home". You know why? Because I try to keep the nagging down to things I really can't do myself. I cook, yes I said it. I cook about 5 days a week and bring him his plate. Yes I said it. And guess what he does when he comes home? What ever he wants and I do the same. I suppose some women would say that I am acting like an old fashioned women out of the 50's or something. Well what the heck is wrong with that? I am very intelligent person. I am an analyst at work and a woman at home. I can do double duty. So you women need to put that apron on, smile have a good conversation with your guy then leave him alone and you I hope have something to do to when you want to relax.

    First and foremost you need to find someone who has the same basic morals as you do then go from there. And if you do find someone and you 2 get along really well, cherish it and nurture it.